Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
