I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
