Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
