You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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