She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Damn victory sex feels great
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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