Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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