I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
