I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
