You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
