And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
