Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
