dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
