My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
