Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
