please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
