I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
