"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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