We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
