They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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