I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
