His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
