bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
