i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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