So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
