Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
