Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
