I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
