Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
