At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Randomize
