i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
