I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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