You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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