He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
