he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
