I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
