Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
