Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think my moral compass just broke
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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