I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
