He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Never joke about your clitoris.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
