i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
