When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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