I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
