Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
