Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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