She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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