Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
