i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
