Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
40s are totally the cure
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
