Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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