I'm passing your future prison.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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