so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My life is pants optional.
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